Reports from Tottenham’s training ground suggest that Mauricio Pochettino is unlikely to recall Vincent Janssen to his first-team squad because he doesn’t believe the out-of-favour marksman exists in a literal sense.

With Harry Kane out until March, the door appeared to have opened for Janssen to impress his manager, but that seems unlikely given that Pochettino doesn’t believe the marksman has any physical form.

Concerned Spurs players have given accounts of Pochettino staring intently past Janssen, speaking over his desperate entreaties for playing time and, on occasion, attempting to pass objects directly through Janssen’s face.

“Vinny approached the gaffer to make his case but he wouldn’t even look at him,” Kieran Trippier told FourFourTwo.

“He just kept staring intently into the space over Janssen’s shoulder before mushing his coffee cup in his face several times, then appearing baffled when the scolding liquid spilt [over Janssen’s face].

“Then he shrugged and asked me, just loudly enough to be heard over Vinny’s yelps of pain, if I had any idea where we could find a functional striker at very short notice.”

Existence

Pochettino is said to be considering calling up Kazaiah Sterling and Troy Parrott, both of whom have impressed the Argentine tactician with their clear, unmistakable presence.

“What I like about the young lads is that they have an irreproachable, solid outline,” Pochettino explained to FourFourTwo.

“Nobody can fail to be impressed by their [temporal] form. And you need that, especially at this level, because very few holograms or will-o’-the-wisps make it.”

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Players who have dared to openly suggest that Pochettino pick Janssen  who netted for Spurs’ under-23 side earlier in the week – have received a cryptic response.

“The gaffer just nodded, raised an eyebrow and said that he felt, in a manner of speaking, Janssen had played in all of Spurs’ games this season,” Tripper continued.

“Then he indicated that maybe I was Vincent Janssen or maybe he was, or maybe we all were, or maybe he’d gone on loan to Ajax; he couldn’t remember quite which.”

At the time of publication, Janssen was standing next to his manager doing kick-ups while Pochettino stared into middle distance, his face just inches from the ball.

Please note: Obviously not a real story. So obviously.

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