Sources at Rangers have revealed that the club’s hierarchy is labouring under the misconception that Jermain Defoe is two decades younger and a foot taller than he actually is.
Rangers are closing in on a loan swoop for Defoe which many at the club feel would be a massive coup, albeit largely based on the false assumption that the diminutive 36-year-old journeyman is in fact a towering 16-year-old prodigy.
The Scottish Premiership side’s decision to make the move was taken after studying a single-page A4 scouting report on Defoe which had suffered significant coffee damage and the tell-tale marks of a rogue Fuse bar melting onto the Physical Attributes section.
“The young lad [36-year-old Jermain Defoe] has a bright future [past] ahead of him [behind him],” an insider at Rangers told FourFourTwo.
“Reading through the report it was clear that the scouts were impressed by his finishing and his turn of pace, especially for a [smudge] foot seven hit man.
“And if all else fails we can just heft long balls up to the big man [small man] and he can flick them into the danger area [then watch in bemusement as they clear his head].”
With the times
Rangers officials have admitted they were surprised by the report’s faded appearance and its frequent references to Ricky Martin and the Blair Witch Project, but hadn’t felt compelled to research Defoe any further.
“Look, if a player is willing to come and play in Scotland then we’ll roll out the red carpet,” our source continued.
“And if it turns out that player is genuinely a professional player who isn’t five stone overweight, on the run from the law or Joey Barton, then frankly he’s overqualified.”
While Rangers may be signing Defoe under false pretences, there are reports that the striker also has a misguided impression of the club he has joined.
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“When I heard there was interest from Rangers I was immediately intrigued,” Defoe told FFT.
“I’ve asked my agent to confirm what kind of hours a park ranger works, but it seems a logical step for me as it’ll require less pace and pinpoint finishing, and more standing with my hands on my hips and tutting.
“A bit like Scottish football.”
Please note: This story is obviously not real. Obviously.